I have always been scared of being alone, because I have been scared of being lonely. It took me twenty years to realise those are two completely different things.

DSC_4664I have no idea how many times I have tried to write this post. My thoughts are working all day, thinking about the subject, drafting and redrafting how I can write about it in the best possible way. But whenever I actually sit down with my macbook in front of me and time to write, I seem to be lost for words. My fingers stumble over the keyboard, something they normally never do, and every word just seems wrong.

Go back. Delete. Change the angle. Change the mood. Delete it all. Save draft.

The truth is that I have tried to write this post for weeks, maybe even months, without knowing where to start.

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I leave hints. I say I am going through a lot at the moment. I say this summer hasn’t been great. I tell my sponsors I need some time. I tell my friends if they ask, because they heard from someone else, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. I tell everyone I am fine, because I am and because I know I will be. But still, I am going through a lot, I am going through changes and I do need some time. Should I write about it on my blog?

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If I were to write about it, I would have started by saying that we broke up. That one day I lost my apartment, boyfriend and best friend quicker than I have ever lost anything else. That I was scared I lost a bit of myself as well, because it was all so much, but that I have had time to find myself again since then. And, I haven’t even lost anything yet, we have the apartment together until the end of October and we are still friends who support each other through everything. He is always there for me and I am there for him. But still; I am going through some changes. My life in London, the life I put on hold to spend the summer back in Norway, won’t be there waiting for me when I go back tomorrow. The stuff will still be there, our furniture and clothes and other items, but the feelings won’t. We will still have our memories from an amazing year living together, but there won’t be any new ones. It’s over, and even though it feels so easy to write out and I have no problem admitting or talking about it, it is still such a difficult thing to bring up.

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I don’t like talking about things that I am struggling with in life, because deep down inside I don’t like feeling weak and vulnerable. I love being the caring person who is there for everyone else, but I am not good at taking comfort with open arms when it comes my way.

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But I am not writing this for support, comfort or petty. I am fine, we are fine even though there is no longer a we, and I know it will all work out. And that is kind of what I wanted to share with you. That it is never too late. No matter how long you have been dating or how committed you are – you might have an apartment together, you might own a house, you might be engaged and you might even be married – still it is never to late to end it. You can’t force love. You can fake it or pretend it’s there, but love can never be forced. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but if it isn’t right then you will get over it and eventually you will end up with someone who is completely right for you. One hundred percent. Yes I feel alone right now, and no I am not really looking forward to going back to London and pack up my stuff and move out, but it is the right thing to do for us. Luckily we are still in it together and helping each other through it (yes – it is possible to stay friends), but no matter what happens this year I know I will get through it and most importantly I know I will be okay.

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I’m going back to London tomorrow, we are going back to London tomorrow, and I will try my best to start up fresh, get my life together and blog as much as I was hoping to do this summer. Now you know the reason why it didn’t turn out that way,

 

xoxo